MEN ON YOUR MENU.

While the rest of the world is ranting about recession, wars and politics, a certified hoe decides to wash her dirty undies. And the topic is men, men with all the phallic arrogance, and mid-life crises.

So she decides to discuss the men she has met in her twenty-something years of whoring and sampling men.  So here:

The Scum- He’s the one that inspires you to learn Kung Fu, Taekwondo, Judo and other dangerous words. The first time you visit him, he tries to rape you. He believes your visit is you consenting to have sex with him. And he thinks he’s God’s gift to women, and also a misogynistic ass. You threatened him with your soldier brother and he stops contacting you.

The Experiment- The experiment was both ways. This is the guy your curiosity leads you to. You think he is safe, and the lord knows that too. This guy with his skinny self and half scared heart does not look like a potential rapist, he looks more scared of the world than you are. Anyway, anything you have with him is usually short lived. You leave him once you’ve learnt what your curiosity prompted you to learn. You easily forget him too.

The One True Love- For a younger who believed so much in true love, it’s a huge step away towards getting acquainted with your hetero-sexuality. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted in a six-feet, bearded hulk; nice, ruggedly handsome, smart and cool headed. His love tugs at your young heartstrings, making your knees weak and turning your bones into jelly. This is the stage where you learn to say and bear sweet talks. You’ll leave him eventually, you and your search for greater things.

The Classic Arsehole- He welcomes you into the “dating arseholes” phase of your life. You are obviously smarter, more opinionated and more confident, yet you say yes to all his “do u luv me?” and “b my gal” messages on Whatsapp as it seems your hormones can’t resist his goofiness. He teaches you to add drama and badass to your already intimidating “hoe profile”. You’ll later dump him, after he has shown that his stupidity knows no bound. And because he know he was just used and dumped, he will probably reply your “we are over ” with “fuk u” or another horribly spelt phrase.

The Church Boy-He’s a perfect gentleman, well behaved. The fine fine sisters in church all drool over him but he doesn’t seem to notice. You soon lock down your target and set out to woo his fine ass, but he forms hard to get at first. You finally get him to succumb, all thank to the skills you’ve acquired from dating the other guys. And you are surprised where he learnt how to use his D like that, but he wouldn’t tell. You’ll leave him too, after you tire of the mind-blowing sex and zero content.

Mr Romantic-He’s your last chance at finding love again. He’s so sweet and innocent, you know the right things to say and do to get his heart pulsating. He tells you he finds your personality intimidating, and that turns you on. He sends you flowers and romantic text messages, you somehow find his attempts at being romantic amusing. You don’t want to hurt him so you push him away, but he seems more determined than ever. He loves you says. But you stop being friends after he finds out you’ve been trading nudes with his best friend. You and your love for side Ds though.

The Manipulator-He doesn’t allow you rest with his love advances, so you finally say a konji-induced yes. Then he spends all the time in the relationship trying to get you not to leave his insecure ass. You soon get tired of his lies and constant guilt-tripping, and you leave.

The just friends-You met in a bus, and you share similar views on a couple of controversial issues. He’s like the perfect best friend you never had, i mean he understands even your “hhhmmmm” and winks. He becomes your newest quick fix, with his number on speed dial. You live for the cuddles and the sex. You think he’s amazing and all, but still won’t date him. You stop talking to him immediately he starts feelings.